I was walking my dogs at 5.30 am. I saw a homeless man sleeping. He was lying on concrete with his head on his hands in a car park at ground level. I thought it was good that it was summer so he would not get too cold. It caused me to think about surviving and what we are prepared to do just to survive. On another occasion, I decided to drive my car to the car park where I previously saw him to see if he would like some breakfast. I parked on the road and walked to him; he was just getting up; I called out as I arrived so I didn’t startle him. I asked what he would like to eat, and he said he loved “McDonald’s,” and he knew exactly what he wanted.
He was grateful for the hot food; we sat and chatted for a while. He had some items in a small brown paper bag. I was curious about what he carried with him in this bag. I asked how he would spend his day; he was smiling and telling me his plans; he seemed happy and almost excited about what he would do over the next few days. I didn’t see him again for several weeks, and I found myself wondering how he was…I reflected on whether he was just surviving or not. Was it just my perspective, as he seemed by all accounts to be doing ok, and his demeanour was quite upbeat.
What does it mean just to survive?
Surviving is just having your head above water, having enough just to get by. Just doing enough to get through the day. Surviving is one step at a time with one foot in front of the other and hoping to make it to the next moment and the next moment. Or is it about perspective and how you view your circumstances internally versus externally? Internally you may be content with how your life is; you may feel you need to push yourself to go beyond your abilities and start to live your life.
Externally it may be about who you surround yourself with and what material needs are required to keep going. I have found that some people are tip-toeing through life, hoping to make it safely to death. To just survive is not enough; you have the right to demand more from yourself and others. Surviving demands more courage, more tenacity, and more strength of character.
To Survive or Thrive, is it a choice?
Have you noticed how much energy it takes just to survive? I have observed that surviving steals your energy, and thriving feeds your energy and motivation; it often gives you a spring in your step. Moving from just surviving to thriving causes us to dig deep into our soul’s depths, find purpose, and give us a reason to get out of bed every morning. Thriving, on the other hand, is flourishing; you are doing well, you feel strong and prospering, and success is within you.
Thriving is to blossom and grow in every step you take. I believe in life; we are here to thrive and grow through the art of challenge, challenging ourselves to be great. To step outside our comfort zones, to release the chains that bind us. Effectively just get out of our own way. I am reminded of the quote by Erin Hanson: “There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask “What if I fall?” Oh, but my darling, What if you fly?”
Be daring, make your mark, and strive to be better today than yesterday. My gentleman sleeping on the concrete had purpose and plans for his days ahead. I believe he was forging forward and ready to challenge his very existence. He was grateful. That chance meeting was many months ago, and I am grateful for engaging with him, be it brief.
I continue to ponder my perspective on life. Having perspective gives me the opportunity to choose to thrive and flourish with a deep commitment to what is good and what is important.
Noise! And more noise! Traffic noise, people noise.
Does silence have a place in society anymore?
Some years ago, I participated in a 10-day Vipassana silent retreat where eye contact was also discouraged.
I couldn’t believe the noise in my head from all my chatter.
I remember thinking to myself “I am here to be in silence and the chatter in my head is louder than when I am in conversation”.
My office is located on a busy intersection, the noise is continuous and sometimes deafening.
The supermarkets have music.
The shopping malls are filled with music.
Some homes have the television on all day or music playing.
The Dr surgery has a huge video screen with the news playing all day long.
Cafés have music.
I observe people filling the silence with empty words.
Gone are the days when silence was the norm.
I believe staying in the noise keeps us safe.
Safe from our own thoughts, our self-doubts our shortcomings.
The noise stops reflection, what’s that saying, “Stop and let me think”.
I have observed the noise stopping the conversation and the connection between individuals.
What might happen if we allow the silence to fill the gaps instead of meaningless words filling the gaps?
Would we be left with ourselves, our own thinking looking at our own flaws, warts, and all.
I believe sitting in our own silence confronts who we are and what we are thinking.
What would we reveal about ourselves to ourselves?
In the silence, we may discover what matters most to us.
What I have found is silence is not so common, it is a bit like common sense it isn’t common anymore.
I find myself seeking silence.
I find myself yearning for those silent moments to be still.
For me, the magic happens in the silence.
Silence provides, reflection time, time for me to consider, how I feel, and what I think.
It allows time to stand still.
I like to sit with my clients and allow the silence to flow between us.
Some find this process uncomfortable and some find it excruciating.
I believe staying the course of the silence allows the client to dig that little bit deeper, go within and discover for themselves what they are experiencing in their lives and their business.
I love working in the silence as there is so much more to what we say.
To be comfortable with the silence you need to be comfortable in your own skin.
You need to be prepared to face your demons.
Being able to sit with the silence takes more of who we truly are than when we are filling the space with chatter.
The Author Kahlil Gibran says.
“You talk when you cease to be at peace with your thoughts.”
The silence allows me to re-calibrate my system.
Allow the silence and see what it reveals to you..
I was watching our two Standard Poodles play at the park yesterday, they are brother and sister.
Our male Oliver (chocolate brown) is obsessed with the ball, (at the moment it is a yellow ball) it doesn’t matter where he is the yellow ball is his focus. Our Ruby (black) loves to watch him although if I throw the ball at the park, she is more than happy to run after it…
Since the passing of our Toy poodle, Abbee Devine last year these two dogs seem to share the pecking order. They alternate who is “Top Dog” depending on the activity, if it involves the ball Oliver reigns supreme. Ruby is the “Top Dog” in the car with regard to who sits where.
When Abbee Devine was alive, she was always in charge, one bark from her Ruby would shake from head to toe, and Oliver would stop and listen. 15yr old Abbee was big on disciplining these two youngsters even though they were 3 times her size. At the park, Ruby was not allowed to chase the ball if Abbee Devine wanted it. This was executed with a particularly loud high-pitched bark and Ruby would stop in her tracks.
Abbee Devine ruled the roost, this continued until the day she passed over.
Watching our dogs over the years has increased my curiosity. How does the pecking order work in society, as individuals, families, our work environment, and the wider community?
Is it always as clear to us (as it is with our animals) where we sit in our own pecking order?
I have asked thousands of my clients over many years where they are in their pecking order (what number are they out of 100?) I have found their response intriguing, to say the least.
What I have found is that there is great variation as to where people put themselves.
What this translates to is if you consider yourself at 99 then there are 98 people to be considered before you consider yourself.
Mind-blowing if you sit and think about it too much.
I have found that about 98% of my clients asked over 3 decades, where they are in their pecking order say a number from 4-99.
The people who put themselves as number one are few and far between. It is worth noting my client's age range would be 35 plus.
I believe the pecking order is not always expressed overtly, rather it is expressed covertly, and from what I have observed we fall into line without so much as a thought as to what that may mean to us. Before you know it, you are the last person considered when picking teams, organizing family get-togethers, promotions at work the list goes on.
Have you noticed at a dog park (if dogs are your thing) how quickly the dogs sort themselves out? Before you know it the “Top Dog” is identified.
In my family it was clear that our father was the “Top Dog” He would have rated himself number one in the pecking order for sure.
I grew up with phrases like “Don’t be selfish” which I soon learned to mean I must consider others before myself.
That then translated to me often not thinking about what I wanted but rather what I was told I wanted.
One day I woke up and decided if I did not put myself first no one else would.
What a revelation that was.
I believe it is paramount that you ask yourself where you are in your pecking order, this will help you to gain clarity as to where you stand with you.
When you rate yourself as number one, you take more responsibility for yourself, your health, your mental well-being, and your life.
I start each day by asking myself “What is my intention for today” this gives me, greater clarity, more energy, more fuel in the tank, and ultimately more focus on what I can achieve on any given day.
When I take care of myself it means I have more energy to be there for my family, my clients, and my community.
Choosing to be number one in your world may give you more self-confidence and a more balanced life.
In 1981 I was working as a nurse (night duty) at Harold McCracken House (Nursing Home) in Fitzroy, Melbourne.
At that time part (ten beds) of the nursing home was dedicated to Palliative Care (Hospice)
A two-year pilot program.
This was the first palliative care service in Australia, funded by the Kellogg Foundation (USA.)
At the time I was reading a very powerful book by Dr. Elisabeth Kubler Ross “On Death & Dying” Her book inspired me to reflect, think, and experience death in a very different way.
Yesterday I had the privilege to attend a fundraiser “The Long Lunch” an event for Katie Rose Cottage Hospice and the Peregian Beach Surf Life Saving Club Organized by Peregian Family & Friends. Spirit of Peregian
There were tears, laughter, joy, awesome guest speakers, and some wonderful food and wine shared by the 150+ people who attended.
My good friend Nicola bought me a ticket and invited me to attend when we met on the grass in front of the big Marque, I said this is my first “virgin” outing since the passing of our beautiful Jean. She gave me a squeeze and we headed in to find our seats for the Long lunch.
Did I feel like going out yesterday Probably not if I was honest.
I went because I feel deeply inspired by the work of the Katie Rose Cottage Hospice.
Currently, they only have 3 beds available at any one time for people entering the last stage of life care.
The service they provide is exceptional and remarkable.
After experiencing their care (for 6 days) for my partner of 26 years Jean, I am forever touched by their care and deep respect for the human spirit.
These 6 days did not cost us anything!
Amazing, extraordinary, and powerfully inclusive to all who enter there.
The people and I who loved Jean were able to visit knowing they would be welcomed with a smile and, sometimes, a cuppa and a freshly baked scone (baked by the volunteers).
Our two standard Poodles Mr Oliver and Ruby Tuesday were also included and visited their “Mama” every day and some of these days were incredibly long.
The first day I took the dogs to be with Jean I entered via the manicured garden, with the deck opening to Jean’s room via large French doors.
Ruby Tuesday was so excited to see her Mama she launched herself onto the bed with Jean, It was a beautiful sight as she licked Jean’s face and hands with such care. Mr Oliver just put his head on the bed and there he stayed.
They were there at the end, being supportive and providing a silent vigil by her bed, were a comfort for me and I know it would have been a deeply moving time for Jean.
It’s astonishing to me to think how it takes so many decades and experiencing so many deaths to truly appreciate and value the time spent with someone I loved for those most precious times that will be in my heart forever.
Not like in 1981 (in which I had a very small part) when the first Hospice pilot program was started by Melbourne City Mission.
We have here on the Sunshine Coast Katie Rose Cottage Hospice , magnificent, and impressive and it sets the standard for palliative care in Australia.
I am sure you have heard that saying they are:
“One in A Million”
Well, they are!
They are inclusive, respectful, kind considerate, and caring and the people who work there, and give service there, are in my opinion deeply committed to honoring the dying process.
Thank you.
I am inspired by the service you provide in our tiny part of the world.
Recently I was driving my partner to her first of 10 sessions of Radiation therapy for cancer.
I asked her how she was feeling.
She replied “I am scared”
A chill went down my spine, and for a moment I caught myself not breathing. I couldn’t even put myself in her shoes to know how she was feeling, I felt humbled and put my hand on hers.
The day was cloudy, but warm the car was cool..
We spent some time speaking about the treatments and what support she felt she needed.
We had a roster with a couple of good friends to drive her to the treatments as they were consecutive days.
It was time for the team to “Rise Up” and support Jeanie in her challenge by giving 100% support to enable her to go through the treatments with the greatest of ease as was possible.
I was reflecting on what being afraid meant.
Being afraid is…
(According to the Oxford Dictionary) being frightened, feeling fear or anxiety
Clearly that day I knew she was frightened it was palpable, I remember thinking how courageous she was to be able to articulate that to me.
What I have found is that being scared and being able to identify and express emotion are two very different things.
The emotion of “being afraid” or “frightened” is often expressed as anger, misguided maybe.
Some of my clients have told me that they have found it easier to express anger, or they didn’t recognize that they were in fact feeling afraid.
I believe that being able to identify the emotion of being frightened, and truly express it requires a deep understanding of self.
Then add another layer “Is it safe for me to express what I feel”
Both of these emotions elicit very different responses or reactions from the person receiving the communication called “Anger” Or “Being Afraid”
What I have observed over many years is that unless you are self-aware, these different emotions catch you off guard, and throw you in a spin.
At that time the individual is coming from a place of not knowing.
This is why the feelings are misinterpreted to mean something else.
It can be quite crazy-making, to have all this unexpressed emotion and not be able to adequately identify and manage it.
The emotion builds up through lack of expression and finally, you can’t hold onto these feelings anymore and they present as anger or rage.
Confrontation is upon us as we attempt to unpack what just happened.
Bewilderment follows as you wonder why you are not getting the support you need to get through a potentially tough situation.
Suddenly we go into defense mode, survival of the fittest.
Miscommunication at its best playing out and unraveling at a great rate at our feet.
Imagine if you will me and Jeanie in the car on the way to her radiation treatment.
If she started yelling at me expressing anger, suggesting I am driving too fast or we are going to be late… there is so much to this story that could potentially change our relationship.
My clients have told me stories, where everything was fine one minute and the next it was in tatters.
For most of my adult life, I have been working on developing and deepening my self-awareness.
Here is what I have found to be true:
I always remember to check in with myself especially if my emotions are heightened.
I do that by placing my right hand on my chest, and asking myself “What is it I need?”
I then pause and breathe. This enables me to unpack, in the moment, what I am feeling and what I need to do to get the support to express myself clearly.
I call this the “Pause Method”
This method allows me to respond rather than react.
It enables me to identify what I am feeling.
Has my life always been like this?
No, anger was my go-to in my younger years.
I learned anger from my father at a young age. He was not good at being vulnerable and expressing his “being afraid”
Modeling my father’s behavior, and expressing myself through anger left me confused, I couldn’t understand why my communication with others felt misguided.
Through many personal development programs, 1:1 therapy sessions, and several years of training as a Psychotherapist I created the Pause Method.
The Pause Method requires diligence, consistency, and deep self-awareness.
Life is easier, relationships work better once you learn to respond rather than react.
When you learn this art, you have the capacity to not only deepen your self-awareness, you deepen your communication with others.
It is my belief that anyone who has a massive desire to be more understood in their relationships, can learn this art.
All you need is to be a willing student, take the time to practice the “Pause Method”
It has the ability to change your life if you put the work in and make it happen.
This is why Jeanie knew and was able to identify deep in her soul that she was afraid and scared of going to her radiation treatment.
She has been a keen student of personal development for many years.
I invite you to commit to being the student and learning the art of response rather than having an emotional reaction without thought.
Take the time required to identify the feeling then act accordingly.
It works.
I salute the little people we once were:
Recently, while waiting for a friend, I had the opportunity to observe a young child and his caregiver.
The scene unfolded with the child crawling on the footpath and eventually venturing into a garden bed.
The boy's exploration involved picking up large chunks of dirt, which, unsurprisingly, found their way into his curious mouth for tasting and testing.
As expected, the caregiver's reaction was immediate and instinctual—a gasp followed by a swift intervention to remove the child from the garden.
The little boy, however, was not pleased. He cried loudly, for he was on a mission to explore, and his adventure had been abruptly interrupted.
This simple incident made me contemplate the early introduction of discipline in our lives and the stark differences in how it is applied.
It also triggered a broader reflection on the journey of human development and how we navigate the path from curious infants to independent thinkers.
Have you ever noticed the sheer excitement that fills the air when a friend or relative announces the birth of their child?
Every tiny development and growth spurt is celebrated with enthusiasm and joy. Coupled with hundreds of photos to witness their entire growth process.
It's a testament to our fascination with the process of human development, which begins with incredible curiosity.
From the moment we are born, our senses are on high alert.
Our eyes help us connect with the world around us, drawing us to light, color, and sound.
Our ears allow us to listen, our tongue to taste and test, our arms to reach for what we desire or push away what we don't want, and our legs to kick with excitement or frustration.
The choices we make during these formative months and years are astounding.
We are born utterly dependent on our caregivers—or are we?
We quickly learn to roll over, crawl, and pull ourselves up to stand on two feet.
Our boundless curiosity is palpable as we explore and discover new objects, even something as simple as a source of light can fill us with wonder and laughter. And yes, we put everything in our mouths to understand and feel it, often to the horror of our caregivers.
Our milestones, whether it's the first time we roll over or the day we take our first steps, are met with applause and celebrations. Our first birthdays are marked with cakes adorned with symbols of our early loves, whether animals or favorite toys.
We enter the world of sports or creative pursuits based on our choices or the guidance of our caregivers. We learn about teamwork and individuality, popularity and solitude, and we celebrate our early education milestones, eagerly looking forward to the next stage of our lives.
During these early years, we observe our role models, absorbing values and morals.
We learn about communication, love, win-win situations, discernment, fairness, equality, and what is morally right.
It is during this period that we build the foundation of our beliefs and principles.
But what happens when we venture out into the wider world?
Suddenly, we're on our own, and the cheer squad that once surrounded us is gone.
One moment, everyone was cheering us on, and the next, they seem distant or disinterested.
This transition can be jarring, leaving us to ponder the change in dynamics.
It is my belief that it is a fundamental right to choose our own cheer squad and determine the form it takes.
We all have the right to our opinions and the right to be heard.
We have the right to follow the beat of our own drum and make choices in our actions and words. We deserve to be celebrated and applauded, even when we are navigating the world on our own, forging our own path.
Fundamentally, we all deserve the right to belong and to be loved.
Each of us has the capacity for growth and self-discovery, and we should celebrate our uniqueness.
It's in this celebration that we find our true purpose and meaning in life.
As we journey from curious infants to independent thinkers, let us remember the importance of celebrating every stage of life and cherishing the right to make choices that align with our values and principles.
In the end, it is our unique journey that defines us, and our ability to choose our own cheer squad that keeps us moving forward with purpose and love.
This morning I was inspired to go to my local Fruit and Veggie shop Tewantin Market Garden quite early, Sundays they are open at 7 a.m. which is a little unusual for this part of the world.
I keep going back there to purchase products because I believe they are very service-oriented.
One of the owners is Monica and I see her there most days when I pop in to buy something fresh and delectable. She is always ready to give a helping hand and answer any questions I have with a smile.
A few weeks ago, I asked her about a particular type of honey that I thought she would stock, and I couldn’t see it on the shelf. It appeared they had sold the last one, Monica said she would reach out to the honey people (she called them by name) and have it in the store very soon.
Today I find myself reflecting on what “Being of Service” means to me.
What I have found to be true is when you are being of service to another you are committed to engaging with them to find an outcome or solution that serves their needs and their wants.
In the act of giving service, you are focusing on another, looking to help them to live a better life.
Your focus is outward not inward.
You are looking to see how you can help them to find what it is they desire; be it fruit and veggies etc. for the family or it could be assisting them to create their life purpose.
Finding or creating your life purpose requires more soul searching than helping someone with their weekly shop.
Or does it?
To be truly of service you are required to put the other person first, almost like, walking a while in their shoes…
In most of my personal development courses, I ask the participants where they are in their own “pecking order”?
1-100 1 being I am number one in my life and 100 being I put 99 people before me.
I do this to invite them to fill their own cup first, so they have more energy and fuel to face a new day.
I believe when you are fully fuelled, you will be more inclined to be of service, to someone else.
What’s that saying, “You can’t pour from an empty jug”.
What I have found to be true is when I receive “Good service” it’s in the culture of the organization reflecting through the people they employ.
Not everyone is cut out to be of service, but when I meet someone like Monica, I feel inspired to smile more and be more considerate to others.
She inspires me because when I go shopping in her store I am usually on a time frame and just task-focused (not today)
When I experience great service, it almost stops me in my tracks and causes me to take a breath, to be grateful for what is being offered, through a smile or some friendly advice.
I believe it is also about showing respect for another and accepting us for who we are and where we come from.
Take the time to be decerning where you shop, find the people who are being of service to others, and don’t settle for less.
For me “Being of Service” makes a difference and creates a ripple effect of kindness with so many more people than you ever imagined.
